Thought of the Week: I Think I’m Happy…What Should I Do About It?

I'm not insane…

I’m not crazy…

Those of you who’ve been following me for a while might be aware that beneath the surface of joviality and fun is a pretty lonely, disturbed and frankly mad person. I’ve struggled with untold mental illnesses since my teens (literally untold – no one’s told me what’s wrong with me yet). In fact, look out for some poems from those dark periods of my life coming up on here in the near future. I’ve been depressed, miserable, suicidal even…and it’s become so ingrained that it’s now a part of me – defines me, even.

So what on earth am I supposed to do when I don’t actually feel like that at all? For the past couple of weeks I haven’t felt the influence of darkness on me at all. At first it was pretty welcome, but now I’m beginning to get scared – what’s wrong with me? Even worse, what’s happened to what’s wrong with me?

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“This is such an unusual feeling that I have no idea how to cope with it.”

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I can’t exactly tie it to any one thing in particular; the new drugs I started on recently, some subconscious breakthrough in therapy, the fact that Mrs. Satis hasn’t been yelling at me all the time…who knows. It’s been a remarkable influence on my home life; things just feel good, as though there’s just nothing really wrong in the world. We went for a wonderful walk the other day in a nearby botanical garden, and it was lovely, even though we got there late, were tired, and didn’t even get to see a whole lot of flowers (there were some really incredible flowering trees, though).

Just of a taste of the blooms at the New Jersey Botanical Gardens.

Just of a taste of the blooms at the New Jersey Botanical Gardens.

We went out to breakfast last week, and had a conversation. Wow – a whole conversation, like where we both get to talk and listen to each other!

Things are going well at work, too; new positions are opening up, I’m getting to do a lot of what I enjoy, and the people I work with are fabulous.

I’m so freaking scared!

This is such an unusual feeling that I have no idea how to cope with it. Even when I get upset, it doesn’t last – I pull out of it almost right away. I want to say that I feel stable, which ironically feels incredibly unstable given that I normally am unstable all of the time. I can’t tell if it’s a good feeling, if it’s normal…I can’t tell if it’s a kind of bipolar high that I’m going to come crashing down from soon.

I think that these are some of the things that are particularly frightening me the most. The downs, the deep, dark black pits of despair that I wallow in for days on end, despite their comfort and familiarity and allure, are terribly damaging to my relationships and those around me, and as much as I crave it I also fear it. On this “high” (for lack of a better word) I feel able to see the effects of the downs more clearly, and I just really don’t want to go back there.

In fact, this sense of pseudo-panic is leaving me so upset and disturbed that I think I might be crashing because of it. Does this even make any sense? I feel like a complete lunatic, or completely doped up. Everything’s so right it’s wrong!

What do you think? Is it possible to become depressed because you’re happy?

Thought of the Week: How Sandy Helped Our Family

A few of you may be aware that we were among the many who were affected by Hurricane Sandy as it swept across the west Pacific, decimating the Caribbean and the United States East Coast. We had our fortune in being comparatively unscathed; not fifty miles from us people were dying. We lost power for three days, and even had the luck to retain heating and hot water.

There has been, and will continue to be, endless reports and posts on the destruction of this storm, and with utmost respect to the many who came out worse, I will leave their stories to others. Rather, I’d like to take (only) a moment to write about some small good that has come out of this disaster.

Even this, to be honest, will be of little surprise; whenever there is a terrible natural disaster, we are regaled with tales of both ghastly inhumanity and of heroic self-sacrifice. A police officer in our town was crushed in his car while remaining on duty on Monday night as the winds began to mount, suffering severe spinal injuries. At the same time, people have been cutting past each other, waiting in lines overnight, and fighting amongst themselves in the past few days for a few drops of gasoline.

What happened to us, by comparison, was simple. We lost electricity on Monday night as power lines fell. We lit our candles and went to bed, listening to the powerful rush of the wind outside. The image I won’t forget of this is staring through the windows at the thick, far-distant clouds that surrounded the center of the storm, and seeing intense, stuttering and brilliant flashes high in the sky. They were not white, like lightening, but glowed deeply of gold and crimson. For hours these flashes continued, bright enough to light the room through drawn blinds from dozens of miles away.

Fresh toasted pumpkin seeds; tasty, though I did burn them a little.

Come the morning, a part of our fence had blown down. That was it. We still had no power, and began to consider how to salvage the things that would be thus affected — chiefly food in the freezer and refrigerator. It’s funny how such small things become such a concern when the conveniences that make them possible suddenly evaporate. Of primary concern were the perishables; milk, meat, frozen foods. We lit the stove with matches and began to cook. We made a rather delicious curry the first night; dumplings and spring rolls the second. We carved our pumpkin for Halloween on Wednesday, and toasted the seeds.

Our makeshift backgammon board, complete with paper dice.

What struck me during this period is that suddenly, with no television or computers or internet, we were together. My wife and I cooked together, and cooked well. Both of our jobs were shut down, and so we had all the time we needed, yet were under a time constraint nonetheless — that of the sun. We needed to begin dinner by 4:00 PM, or it would be too dark to see. We ate by 5:00 PM each night, lighting the candles as dinner finished, and would then retire to the living room. We lit the fire, and sat together, reading or talking or playing. I taught Little Satis card games, and backgammon with pennies and a board I drew on a sheet of paper.

Hot chocolate by candlelight — the perfect way to use up milk!

For the first time in a long time, we spent time together as a family, genuine, undistracted time. Time when we could talk to each other, and share ideas. My wife suggested s’mores, and it was a messy delight to roast marshmallows in a fire that I couldn’t keep going. Before bed, I read to Little Satis not in bed, but before the dying embers, candles my only light.

There was something quite magical about it. For three days, I suddenly felt as though a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Despite missing all of you, the simpleness of waking with the sun, spending the daylight only in business, eating at sundown and being in bed by 9:00 PM was entirely refreshing. In fact, I became quite depressed when on Thursday afternoon, without warning, our lights flickered back to life. Modern life was back, and I found I didn’t particularly welcome it.

I don’t think I was alone in feeling this. Little Satis spoke to me of how much he enjoyed playing chess and backgammon and cards. Just yesterday, my wife told me that she had felt closer to me during those past few days than she had in some time. Perhaps it will be possible to retain a fragment of that feeling as we move forward into recovering the haste and stress of everyday life, even if it is simply to turn off the television one night a week, and play cards by the fire.

I’m aware of the paltriness of our experiences, compared to those who remain without power or heat, and those who have lost loved ones, but I’m sure we aren’t an isolated case. I’d like to think of it as just a simple, plain example of how a natural disaster can bring people closer together.

For Seven Days, I Turned Off the Internet…And the World Didn’t End

Last week I got to do something very cool, and it was something I’ve never done before. I turned off the internet.

I suppose I can’t really claim that the entirety of the internet went down entirely, although if it had I wouldn’t have noticed, because I experienced a week of digital abstinence. The worst part is, I meant to.

Wow. What an admission that is. Imagine choosing not to receive emails, or text messages, or RSS feeds, or (horror!) WordPress hits. Imagine that, if you wanted to write something down, you had to use an archaic instrument known as a pen. Imagine not knowing whether you had new Facebook friends!

Such a world I lived in for an entire week. To give a bit of context, for most of the time between 12:00 PM one Saturday and 2:00 PM the following Saturday, I was in the middle of the ocean somewhere between Port Canaveral and Nassau in the Bahamas. I didn’t get wet, though, because I was on a boat. The boat was big, and in the end we had to share it with a few other people as well, but the captain was from Sweden and so I didn’t really mind.

I suppose I can’t actually claim to have shunned all technology entirely; I did bring a digital camera with me, as well as my iPhone (just for recording video, I swear). Between them, I captured 1,200 photos and two hours of video. I don’t want to look at them, because if I do I won’t ever stop. These pixellated memories are so numerous because my plethora of iDevices weren’t dinging and pinging and swishing every few minutes with something I decided was really important to know about. I didn’t receive an email. I didn’t get a text. I didn’t read a tweet, or update a feed. In fact, I ended up with such an awful lot of time on my hands that I had to look at the ocean sometimes, which was nice because there were quite a few sunsets to be had.

Another thing I had time for was thinking. After all, when you don’t have Wikipedia, you have to come up with your own answers to things. An astronaut told us that the body’s immune system doesn’t work in space, and gosh – we had to dig deep into our own poor wisdom to try to figure out why. My wife and I felt like scientists, trying to answer a question no one knows the answer to.

Above all, I was inevitably forced to spend time with my family. Man alive, the distraction of the internet is certainly a blessing for those who want nothing to do with their loved ones! I’ve been trying to keep a few chapters ahead of where my son and I are in the Redemption of Erâth, just in case one week I don’t write something, but I used them all up because he really, really wanted to know what happened next. At the end of chapter 12, I had to tell him that there actually wasn’t any more yet, and he nearly beat me. As for my wife, I had to share a jacuzzi with her, be sympathetic when she got seasick, eat a dozen chocolate-covered strawberries with her, sing karaoke with her, kiss her, and simply just be with her for seven days straight. Can you imagine?

At first, I was very worried. What was happening at home? What if someone at work really need to get in touch with me, even though I’m not really in charge of anything at all? What if my mom called? What if someone read my blog? What if a groundhog made a nest under the house? What if something really, really unimportant happened somewhere in the world? I wouldn’t be able to answer calls, say thank you to blog likes, take goofy pictures or read all about it on my iPad. I felt lost. But then, an odd thing began to happen. I slowly came to the following realization:

None of it matters.

Nope. Not one bit. Not one single thing in the imaginable universe was more important than spending seven entirely uninterrupted days with my wife and son in the Caribbean. Because you know what? I could always find out when I got back. And if I missed something in the meantime? Well, if it was something so ephemeral it only lasted a week, it probably wasn’t important enough to know about in the first place. If my schedule changed, I’d find out when I got back. If scientists discovered life on Mars, I’d find out when I got back. Hell, if my mother died, I’d find out when I got back.

In the end, of course, I got back. I came back to 101 emails, 91 tweets, 8 Facebook notifications, 66 RSS updates, 3 voice mails and 30 app updates. And you know what?

None of it really mattered.

I feel really happy right now. I don’t think I can live without connection in my working, every day life, but never again will I go on a holiday without turning off, leaving behind or utterly disabling my many devices. It is beyond worth it.