Thought of the Week: Full Disclosure

Hello, everyone.

I’ve missed you all; it feels like I’ve been away for quite some time. I apologize in advance if this post fails to be interesting; my intention is simply to explain my absence, and lay it all open for once.

I have spent the past three weeks in the company of that great black dog, dragged away to a numb and black landscape that offers no escape. I’ve been lost in apathy, neither wanting to live or to die. A deep uncaring with no emotion. It’s been all I can do to get up in the morning and go to work. When I got home, I want nothing more than to crawl into bed. I spent my lunches sleeping on a couch at work.

The fatigue has been a key factor in the past few weeks, too. I often am tired at the end of a busy day at work, and I sometimes find it difficult to stay alert during the drive home. Recently, however, it’s been an unbearable challenge to stay awake at the wheel, not only coming home but even going to work in the morning. I came closer than I ever have before to a serious accident: I was driving down a straight stretch of road in moderate traffic, and I closed my eyes for a moment…and when I opened them, a car was crossing in front of me, pulling across traffic into a driveway. I was only feet away, and in my waking daze, didn’t even have the wherewithal to hit the brakes. What I was able to do was instinctively jerk the wheel, and passed around the car as it continued into the drive by probably three inches. Into oncoming traffic, as it happens, but that’s beside the point.

The terrible lethargy hits hardest at home, of course, where my walls collapse and I’m unable to hide it. Laundry piles up; dishes go undone; hair goes unwashed. Understandably, this puts a great strain on all of us — my wife, Little Satis and I — and the worst is the guilt of knowing that I’m responsible for all the stress.

In all of this, the effort of writing posts has been more than I’ve been able to contemplate. For this, I apologize. I feel that I’ve let you all down, as much as myself and my family.

Along with the mood stabilizer and antidepressant I’m already taken, my psychiatrist has had me start a third medication, a non-SSRI antidepressant. It’s probably too early to tell, but it surprisingly seems to be helping already. The past two days, I was able to drive to and from work without feeling like I was going to fall into a deep sleep. I’ve been able to smile and laugh again, and criticism isn’t driving me into the ground, a wailing child catatonic on the floor.

I’ve been through these cycles before, too, of course. The ups, and the downs. I don’t have manic periods, so they’ve ruled out bipolar disorder. Nonetheless, the key difference I’ve noticed since starting this new medication is the lack of perpetual drowsiness. A stated side-effect of this new medication is mild to moderate weight loss (which I need), and I have my appetite generally reduced, and I’m no longer dreadfully enticed to devour an entire box of saltine crackers in one go.

And there you have it. I’m well aware that I’ve alluded to my depression in many past posts, but I needed to just say it clearly. It is a monster, a treacherous demon that sneaks its way behind my eyelids, slackens my jaw and convinces me that there is no other way to be. That is the worst of it — the love of the depression, the aching desire to let myself be washed away with its black waters.

I am slowly returning, I believe, and I will attempt to return to this blog, as well. Up until the New Year I am focusing on the process of final edits for The Redemption of Erâth, in preparation for its publication sometime next year, which I’m terribly excited about (when I’m not drowned in depression). I will continue to post a Thought of the Week each Monday, and the Daily Photos will continue to autopost as well. I will be putting a pause on Tales of Despair, as the time and research involved each week is something I don’t feel I can commit to at the moment. We will see how things stand in the new year.

Most importantly, there will be nothing more of The Redemption of Erâth to be posted. The entirely of book one is already posted, and the extensive background written late last year as a preparation is at an end. This doesn’t, however, mean The Redemption of Erâth is finished. Oh, by no means. More details to come…

So in conclusion, my apologies once more for my absence, and my sincere gratitude for bearing with me all this while. The 300+ of you who have visited me 7,000 times in the past year have made this experience more than worthwhile, and the likes and comments have meant the world to me. I can’t make any promises, but I’ll try not to let you down again.

Satis 2012

Gedacht an die Woche: Ich Liebe Dich (Aber Nicht Wie Das)

Es scheint das ich für noch ein Preis ernannt bin! Dieses ist alles ein bisschen zu viel – bald werde ich mit liebe gefüllt, und tanze ich auf die Rückseite von rosa Ponys.

Nein – nicht wirklich.

Nichtsdestoweniger, meine gute Freundin Alexandra Corinth wollte mich mit der Liebster Pries zu schmücken, das ich zu mein staubig Sammlung hinzu fügen werde. An der Geist von alles ‘Liebster’, es scheint nur passend das ich dieses Artikel auf Deutsch schreiben.

Erste, Alexandra hat mich mehreren Fragen gebeten, das ich (peinlich) zu antworten muss. Ich sorge mich über ihre Meinung der Antworten, und wenn sie sie verstehen werde.

1. Name a book you would read over and over again?

Great Expectations. Diese Geschichte ist einfach wunderbar, mit Stimmung und Dunkelheit, und Hoffnung, und Tragödie gefüllt. Für mich ist es eine der größte Geschichte überhaupt gesagt, und ich mit Pip, Joe, Magwitch und Frau Havisham verlieren könnte. 

2. If you could have 3 wishes granted, what would they be?

Erste wünschte ich für unbegrenzt Wünschen. Dann wünschte ich das alle meine Romana und Lieder im Augenblick veröffentlicht werde, so das ich nie wieder arbeiten muss. Dann wünschte ich für viele Cocktails.

3. Who was your favorite teacher, and why?

Herr Sanderson. Er werde mein Musik Lehrer in der oberen Schule, in eine Klasse von nur fünf, und er war einer des erste mein Talent zu regen. Es war einer der glücklichsten Momente von meiner Lebensdauer wenn er hat gesagt, das wenn er meine Musik hörte, wurde er nichts ändern.

4. Where is your favorite vacation spot?

Nichts war besser als Cornwall. Es ist klein aber beträchtlich, verlieret und freundlich, und die gegeronnene Creme ist für zu sterben.

5. What chore do you absolutely hate doing?

Alles.

6. What is your favorite dessert?

Ich mag nicht zu viel Nachtisch, aber wenn sie ein Gewehr an mein Kopf gesetzt, es würde Schokoladenfondant meiner Frau sein müssen. Es tut Sachen mich an, erkläre ich ihnen.

7. What is your leave favorite mode of transportation?

Das Auto. Wenn ich antreibe, falle ich immer am Lenkrad schlafend.

8. When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?

Ein Erbauer von Legos.

9. If money was no object where would you live and why?

An ein verlassener Fjord in Norwegen, mit trostlos Nebel umgeben. Oder Australien.

10. What is your dream career?

Ein berühmt Autor oder Komponist sein. Ideal mit jemand für mich alles schreiben.

11. What movie do you flat-out refuse to watch, no matter how good people say it is?

Alles das sie schreien lassen soll. Es gibt genug in der wirklichen Welt zu ungefähr schreien.

Und jetzt, wie üblich, ich lehne sonstes niemand ernannten ab; die Bloggers das ich liebe und schätze an der Unterseite von jedes Seite aufgeführt sind. Jedes von sie Anerkennung verdienen sind; bitte überprüfen sie heraus.

Thought of the Week: It Happened Again

This is all getting a little bit too much, and I’m starting to get worried. My blog appears to be having an unintentional effect on some of the people reading it. At first, I thought it was just a one-off, and I reassured myself it wouldn’t happen again.

The second time, I began to be concerned. What kind of thoughts was I planting in my readers’ heads? Without meaning it, I was playing mind games; I actually seemed to have the power to redirect their thoughts. It was worrisome.

And now – it has happened a third time. And I realize that it is now inescapable. I began this blog as a way to express myself, to open myself and my writing to the world. As it grew, I began to write about other topics that concerned and humored me, and over time, I realized that there were a few people out there who seemed interested in what I had to say. Some of them told me their thoughts; others gave me feedback without comment.

And so it appears that, for as long as I continue to blog, these things will keep happening. I have to remind myself that it is outside of my power to influence these people, and they will act the way they do when they read my words. I must simply accept it.

That’s right: I’ve received another award!

I made my own again – what do you think?

This one comes courtesy of Dan Kline, over at What to do about me and D.I.D.. I discovered his blog a while back, and have been touched at his daily struggles, and the commitment he makes to his family in spite of them. I’ve gained inspiration from him for my own turbulence, and his support has come to mean a lot. He has also shown a remarkable devotion to my little story, and his multitudinous compliments have turned my ears red on more than one occasion!

So in a lovely irony, he has nominated me for the Reader Appreciation Award – being one of my most-appreciated readers!

Now, this award comes with a few rules, so I will abide by them this time…

  1. Include the award logo somewhere in your blog. ✔
  2. Answer the ten questions below for fun, if you want to. ✔
  3. Nominate ten to twelve blogs that you enjoy (or you pick the number).
  4. Pay the love forward: provide your nominees with a link to your post and comment on their blog to let them know they’ve been included and invited to participate.
  5. Pay the love back with gratitude and a link to the blogger(s) who nominated you. ✔

Or not. The truth is, the bloggers I appreciate know who they are, and if they don’t (!), they’re at the bottom of every page, all the time. Bear in mind that there are many, many blogs out there that I love; these ones are those that have impacted me, and made a difference in my life.

And now, you get to learn even more about me!

  1. What is your favorite color? Any color, as long as it’s black.
  2. What is your favorite animal? The cat, followed closely by spiders, octopi and falcons.
  3. What is your favorite non-alcoholic drink? Honestly? Are they trying to make this as unexciting as possible? Fine – water. Isn’t that kind of crazy? It has to be good water, mind you. Something cold and pure, from a high mountain stream, preferably.
  4. Which do you prefer: Twitter, or Facebook? Talk about choosing the lesser of two evils. Facebook lets me post meaningless trite; Twitter lets me post slightly shorter meaningless trite. I very much enjoy being prosaic, so I’d have to go with Facebook.
  5. What is your favorite pattern? Um…you know, I never really thought much about this one. Giving this question a once-over in my mind, I’d have to say organized chaos. The sort of thing where a vast system of entities is strewn about at random, each independent the others…and then, for one, brief, glorious moment, everything aligns, snaps into place, and you’re given the briefest glimpse of the true meaning of the universe. Then – it all disintegrates, and the world once more turns to dust. Sort of like a Rubik’s cube.
  6. Would you rather give or receive presents? That depends on the present.
  7. What is your favorite number? Three. And seven.
  8. What is your favorite day? In life? The day my son was born. In general? The first day that the breeze comes cool, and the scent of woodsmoke is on the air, and the leaves shine crimson and gold in the fading light of the ever-earlier sunset.
  9. What is your favorite flower? Easy – the orchid.
  10. What is your passion? Well now…it’s been some time since I’ve felt any true passion. My book, however, has been a driving force for some time now, and it is a prospect that still keeps me going. Other than that, music is a thing I could not live without. Dark, sweet and soothing, it puts to rest a mind that is so often uneasy.

And that’s it! This award is precious to me, though I buy it with great pain.