Thought of the Week: Full Disclosure

Hello, everyone.

I’ve missed you all; it feels like I’ve been away for quite some time. I apologize in advance if this post fails to be interesting; my intention is simply to explain my absence, and lay it all open for once.

I have spent the past three weeks in the company of that great black dog, dragged away to a numb and black landscape that offers no escape. I’ve been lost in apathy, neither wanting to live or to die. A deep uncaring with no emotion. It’s been all I can do to get up in the morning and go to work. When I got home, I want nothing more than to crawl into bed. I spent my lunches sleeping on a couch at work.

The fatigue has been a key factor in the past few weeks, too. I often am tired at the end of a busy day at work, and I sometimes find it difficult to stay alert during the drive home. Recently, however, it’s been an unbearable challenge to stay awake at the wheel, not only coming home but even going to work in the morning. I came closer than I ever have before to a serious accident: I was driving down a straight stretch of road in moderate traffic, and I closed my eyes for a moment…and when I opened them, a car was crossing in front of me, pulling across traffic into a driveway. I was only feet away, and in my waking daze, didn’t even have the wherewithal to hit the brakes. What I was able to do was instinctively jerk the wheel, and passed around the car as it continued into the drive by probably three inches. Into oncoming traffic, as it happens, but that’s beside the point.

The terrible lethargy hits hardest at home, of course, where my walls collapse and I’m unable to hide it. Laundry piles up; dishes go undone; hair goes unwashed. Understandably, this puts a great strain on all of us — my wife, Little Satis and I — and the worst is the guilt of knowing that I’m responsible for all the stress.

In all of this, the effort of writing posts has been more than I’ve been able to contemplate. For this, I apologize. I feel that I’ve let you all down, as much as myself and my family.

Along with the mood stabilizer and antidepressant I’m already taken, my psychiatrist has had me start a third medication, a non-SSRI antidepressant. It’s probably too early to tell, but it surprisingly seems to be helping already. The past two days, I was able to drive to and from work without feeling like I was going to fall into a deep sleep. I’ve been able to smile and laugh again, and criticism isn’t driving me into the ground, a wailing child catatonic on the floor.

I’ve been through these cycles before, too, of course. The ups, and the downs. I don’t have manic periods, so they’ve ruled out bipolar disorder. Nonetheless, the key difference I’ve noticed since starting this new medication is the lack of perpetual drowsiness. A stated side-effect of this new medication is mild to moderate weight loss (which I need), and I have my appetite generally reduced, and I’m no longer dreadfully enticed to devour an entire box of saltine crackers in one go.

And there you have it. I’m well aware that I’ve alluded to my depression in many past posts, but I needed to just say it clearly. It is a monster, a treacherous demon that sneaks its way behind my eyelids, slackens my jaw and convinces me that there is no other way to be. That is the worst of it — the love of the depression, the aching desire to let myself be washed away with its black waters.

I am slowly returning, I believe, and I will attempt to return to this blog, as well. Up until the New Year I am focusing on the process of final edits for The Redemption of Erâth, in preparation for its publication sometime next year, which I’m terribly excited about (when I’m not drowned in depression). I will continue to post a Thought of the Week each Monday, and the Daily Photos will continue to autopost as well. I will be putting a pause on Tales of Despair, as the time and research involved each week is something I don’t feel I can commit to at the moment. We will see how things stand in the new year.

Most importantly, there will be nothing more of The Redemption of Erâth to be posted. The entirely of book one is already posted, and the extensive background written late last year as a preparation is at an end. This doesn’t, however, mean The Redemption of Erâth is finished. Oh, by no means. More details to come…

So in conclusion, my apologies once more for my absence, and my sincere gratitude for bearing with me all this while. The 300+ of you who have visited me 7,000 times in the past year have made this experience more than worthwhile, and the likes and comments have meant the world to me. I can’t make any promises, but I’ll try not to let you down again.

Satis 2012

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13 thoughts on “Thought of the Week: Full Disclosure

  1. I can empathize. I’m glad you’re trying medicine. Medicine has helped me with the energy problem. This holiday season does awful things to me, but I’m working on that. Don’t apologize, just do what you can. Thanks for sharing.

    • It’s funny; the times of year that people are supposedly the happiest are the times I am at my most miserable. Christmas, summer vacation, my birthday…perhaps it’s all just a reminder of the ignorant bliss that I’m missing out on.

      Keep working. I’m glad that you’ve found a medication that seems to help you somewhat.

  2. Depression is indeed a monster wating to devour anyone it can! Please don’t add guilt to the mix. Everyone has their Achille’s heel and depression can be a terribly hard one to beat! I’ve been down that road as well and I hope you feel encouraged that you’re not alone. It’s great to hear from you again, but your priority is your health (mental and emotional) and your family. Don’t stop fighting! It’s worth it!

    • Thank you for your support and kind words. My depression has shifted forms and avenues countless times over the past decade; I’m lucky that at the moment it’s just taking the form of an unsurmountable lethargy and apathy. There could be far worse things it could drive me to do to myself.

      Hmm. There’s a thing to be happy about!

    • Thank you. I realize that, practically, you all generally have better things to do than worry about why I’m not posting much! Still, I feel like I owe the 300+ readers (I still can’t believe so many people feel I have something worth saying!), and it pains me to not be able to keep to my regular schedule.

  3. Pingback: Thought of the Week: Fix me, Doc. Fix me. « Satis

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