I feel … drab. Everywhere I look, everything I do, just … drab.
I like the word, ‘drab’. It has such an aura of dismal, abject misery, of blandness, of boring nothingness, and it sounds exactly like it should. My life is drab.
It also sounds kind of funny, but that’s besides the point.
I slept today. It was my day off from work, and I neglected to set an alarm (didn’t think I’d need to); I didn’t wake up until almost 11 AM, well past my scheduled therapy session at 10 AM. (I kind of regret that, because I feel like I really needed therapy today.) Later, I took a nap that lasted three more hours. I really just slept all day, pretty much.
My days are like this, more or less; on work days I go to work, and on off days I sleep. When I’m at work I want to sleep, too.
On. Off. On. Off. Either sleeping, or wanting to sleep.
And all the while, everything remains drab.
Very, very little holds my interest lately. I don’t like listening to music anymore. I don’t like watching TV anymore. I don’t like reading anymore. I don’t like writing anymore. Existence is plain, boring, and drab. Even as I sit and write this post, I wonder why; who’s going to read it? Who’s going to care?
I post chapters from my fantasy novels because no one would otherwise read them. Have I given up there, too? Eh … probably not. I’ll keep posting them, I’ll keep writing them, but … just why.
Why, why why?
I’d say it’s enough to make me cry, except there’s really nothing to cry about. Nothing’s really that wrong. The world carries on, and it will with or without me. I don’t matter. Not mattering doesn’t bother me, either. It’s just another proof that there’s not much point in doing anything. No immediacy, no sense of urgency; nothing really has to get done now or else the world will end; life doesn’t work that way. It doesn’t matter.
It’s just drab.
I’ll probably go lay with the cat in a bit; that always helps soothe my mind.
In any case, I was able to reschedule therapy for Thursday; I hope it helps.
It’s all so drab.