Tag Archives: Depression

Thought of the Week: And an Antisocial New Year to You, Too

depressed

I have another 351 days to remember that the date has a new number at the end of it. This leaves me worse off than last year – I had an extra day.

I also have another 351 days to fail commitments and break promises. So far, it’s going well. One meaningful point is that it’s nearly ten years exactly since my wife and I first started going out. (The anniversary’s a little ambiguous, since we never really had a first ‘date’.) A number like that tends to get you reflecting, and the biggest question it brought up for me was, “what happened to us?”.

This was actually a question I’d been asking myself for some time, but the answer never really seemed to present itself until it was voiced. We disagree, we argue, we fight, we shout…and, well, when we were getting to know each other, we didn’t. I know that sounds pretty obvious, and I expect it’s the course of almost any ten-year relationship, but it brings up the question of why. We know each other better, of course, which means we’re more comfortable with each other, and more able to express our thoughts and frustrations (or at least, more willing to express our frustrations). It also means we take each other for granted a lot, as well. We say and do things to each other that would send first date screaming through the door.

It was this comparison, really, that stuck to me: I don’t treat my wife the way I did when we were going out. I show her anger, apathy, bitterness and depression. I show her a wild inconsistency between caring and thoughtful and callous and selfish. And it suddenly hit me that if I had treated her like this ten years ago, we wouldn’t be married and have a son today. And that seemed a little unkind.

So that was my commitment. I wanted to try and be a “New Satis”; one who spoke to his wife the way he did when they met. It’s been working (sort of); whether it lasts or not only time can tell, but so far almost every word, action and thought comes with a little tag of “is this what you’d’ve done ten years ago?”. That tag, of course, doesn’t always translate into a meaningful action, but it’s a start.

I’ve attempted these sort of changes before with little success, though what gives me hope for this one is the ability to filter my life through the lens of the past. However, the biggest thing that stands out for me is that, when my wife and I were dating, we weren’t spending every moment together. The façade, the mask – I could put it in place to be with her. Now, it’s at home that the mask of sociality comes off. In public, at work, every day, I put on this brave mask of congeniality, a lie that isn’t me.

There have always been things ‘wrong’ with me, some of which I’ve discussed. The catatonia, the rages, the obsessions and inappropriateness, the total mental shutdowns and repeated behaviors; the inability to change and to learn; these are things I’ve lived with for so long, and my wife and I have long chuckled at how I seem to display a number of autistic characteristics. And then the extreme discomfort in social situations – the fakery it takes just to navigate a dinner party, or a work conversation – hit me.

There is an Autistic Quotient test created by Simon Baron-Cohen at the University of Cambridge in 2001 (you can take it here). It was designed as way to filter for autistic spectrum disorders in adults (as opposed to children) prior to a detailed professional assessment. It’s been used successfully to help identify people with Aspergers Syndrome, and is actually quite simple. You score points for “abnormal” behavior, from 0 to 50. In general, an average adult scores somewhere between 10 – 20 (no one’s perfect). The cutoff for identifying Aspergers/High Functioning Autism is 32.

I score 37.

Well, thank you, world. I now have something new to bring to my psychologist.

Mind you, it’s not a diagnosis, and there’re still probably a whole lot of other things wrong with me anyway, but still – it doesn’t leave me feeling all that enthusiastic about trying to become that “New Satis”.

We’ll have to see how things go; perhaps I’m just being a drama queen (my wife would agree with that!). However, there is a part of me that almost feels relieved; after decades of trying to find some kind of answer to my insanity, perhaps I’ve finally found it. Or something, anyway.

So…what is the new year bringing you?

 

Incidentally, my wife’s score was 9.

Music I Love: “A Fine Day to Exit”, Anathema (2001)

Following on the heels of our heart-to-heart about depression, it seems only fair to share what is for me possibly the most depressing album I have ever heard.

Anathema is the final piece of my ‘big four’ (the others being My Dying Bride, Opeth and Sentenced). Their roots begin right along side fellow Northeners My Dying Bride, a heavy and dirge-like Doom Metal band from Liverpool. It didn’t take them long to gain the attention of Peaceville, who signed them for a four-album deal.

The Crestfallen (EP) was their first mainstream release, a 32-minute dirge of atonal distortion and howled vocals. Even here, though, their more sensitive side, which would only become more prominent, can be heard in tracks such as Everwake. Their first full-lenth, Serenades, brought this musical style to a strong consistency, winding from leaden and moaning distress such as Lovelorn Rhapsody to haunting, acoustic interludes like J’ai Fait Une Promesse. The closer is an epic 23-minute drone; synths and soothing harmonies intertwine, changing slowly and subtly.

The following EP, Pentecost III, carried this style further, focusing on lengthy, heavy and atmospheric tracks. When The Silent Enigma came out in 1995, however, the beginnings of a marked change in style became apparent. Though still heavy and filled mainly with growled vocals, the musical style began to become less dissonant, with songs such as Cerulean Twilight and the wonderful A Dying Wish bringing a desolate and sad tone to their style.

Then, something happened that cemented the transition from Doom Metal to atmospheric, haunting and dismal rock: Darren White, the vocalist, left. Rather than hiring a new vocalist, guitarist Vincent Cavanagh took up the mic. Unable (or unwilling) to growl like Darren, 1996’s Eternity is now a classic album, an epitome of their canon. Alternative 4 carried this yet further, becoming ever more distant from their metal roots. By the time Judgement was released in 1999, the heaviness of their past was all but gone, leaving behind a deeply sad style of alternative rock.

And then came A Fine Day to Exit, in 2001. This is an incredibly important—and precious—album for me. Every one of the nine tracks simply drips with depression, and this became the soundtrack to my life at the time of its release. This album is Anathema perfected; nothing before or since has quite touched its sense of absolute, utter despair.

Both musically and lyrically, A Fine Day to Exit carries the listener on an uninterrupted journey through landscapes of darkness, each song blending seamlessly into the next. The piano-driven ostinato of Pressure feels like a crushing weight on the chest, a feeling of stress that doesn’t life. As it fades, Release picks up, its striking opening guitars lulling the listener into its landscape of sadness. Release eventually peters out to the subtle sound of heating pipes in an old, run-down building, and the inescapable arpeggios of Looking Outside Inside gently ease their way into the ear. This is perhaps the best song on the album, building up slowly, gradually, from acoustic nothingness into a rage of entrapment.

As feedback leads the way into Leave No Trace, the album settles into a soothing swaying between slow and faster-paced songs, and the lyrics become noticeably more unstable. An unsettling feeling of a descent into madness begins to creep into the music, with Underworld turning out some disturbing imagery.

Climbing up the wall gonna creep between the cracks

Get out of my skull tie the rope around my neck

Destroy all emotion gonna rip my face to shreds

Cut my eyeballs open

Underworld – Anathema, 2001

(Breaking Down the) Barriers brings a sense of calm, and indeed feels like a sort of conclusion. Heart-rending, it speaks of the ever-growing disconnect between two people who realize they are utterly disconnected. Try as they might, there is no salvation.

And then, all hell breaks loose. A great pause of silence follows …Barriers, as if preparing for the storm that is to follow. Rapid, wavering guitars then break in, musically reflecting the sudden and complete unbalance of Panic‘s disturbing words.

I don’t think it’ll all end up like this

There’s spiders on the wall and they stink of piss

Dead heads lying in the corner

Staring at me making me feel bad

I put my hands up to my eyes

But the holes in my palms let me find a way

To corner you…

Panic – Anathema, 2001

Racing through at breakneck speed, Panic represents the peak of the album, the final release of the terrible tension of an unstable mind. From here it descends into the final moments of utter despair, the title track A Fine Day to Exit bringing with it a sense of absolution.

Then, finally, the perfect conclusion: Temporary Peace. Slow, quiet and bleak, it is a resting, a peace; a settlement from the madness. It speaks of finality, of the the darkness dragging you under for the last time. Its closing lines reflect this, simultaneously intimating the momentary quiet before the ending.

Beyond this beautiful horizon

Lies a dream for you and I

This tranquil scene is

Still unbroken by the rumours in the sky

But there’s a storm closing in

Voices crying on the wind

The serenade is growing colder

Breaks my soul that tries to sing

And there’s so many thoughts

When I try to go to sleep

But with you I start to feel

A sort of temporary peace

There’s a drift in and out

Temporary Peace – Anathema, 2001

And as the final notes ring out, the music dissolves into the sound of breaking waves, and the muttering nonsense of a madman.

The flow of this album so perfectly reflects my own cycle of madness that it cuts me to the very soul, unfailingly bringing tears to my eyes by the final dying sounds. The tension, the guilt, the increasing loss of control, until it finally all breaks loose—and then, when the rage is spent, dissolving into nothing but the desire to fade into absolute blackness, and never return.

This is not an easy album, but it is ultimately rewarding. Just beware: it will not put you in a happy mood.

Thought of the Week: Full Disclosure

Hello, everyone.

I’ve missed you all; it feels like I’ve been away for quite some time. I apologize in advance if this post fails to be interesting; my intention is simply to explain my absence, and lay it all open for once.

I have spent the past three weeks in the company of that great black dog, dragged away to a numb and black landscape that offers no escape. I’ve been lost in apathy, neither wanting to live or to die. A deep uncaring with no emotion. It’s been all I can do to get up in the morning and go to work. When I got home, I want nothing more than to crawl into bed. I spent my lunches sleeping on a couch at work.

The fatigue has been a key factor in the past few weeks, too. I often am tired at the end of a busy day at work, and I sometimes find it difficult to stay alert during the drive home. Recently, however, it’s been an unbearable challenge to stay awake at the wheel, not only coming home but even going to work in the morning. I came closer than I ever have before to a serious accident: I was driving down a straight stretch of road in moderate traffic, and I closed my eyes for a moment…and when I opened them, a car was crossing in front of me, pulling across traffic into a driveway. I was only feet away, and in my waking daze, didn’t even have the wherewithal to hit the brakes. What I was able to do was instinctively jerk the wheel, and passed around the car as it continued into the drive by probably three inches. Into oncoming traffic, as it happens, but that’s beside the point.

The terrible lethargy hits hardest at home, of course, where my walls collapse and I’m unable to hide it. Laundry piles up; dishes go undone; hair goes unwashed. Understandably, this puts a great strain on all of us — my wife, Little Satis and I — and the worst is the guilt of knowing that I’m responsible for all the stress.

In all of this, the effort of writing posts has been more than I’ve been able to contemplate. For this, I apologize. I feel that I’ve let you all down, as much as myself and my family.

Along with the mood stabilizer and antidepressant I’m already taken, my psychiatrist has had me start a third medication, a non-SSRI antidepressant. It’s probably too early to tell, but it surprisingly seems to be helping already. The past two days, I was able to drive to and from work without feeling like I was going to fall into a deep sleep. I’ve been able to smile and laugh again, and criticism isn’t driving me into the ground, a wailing child catatonic on the floor.

I’ve been through these cycles before, too, of course. The ups, and the downs. I don’t have manic periods, so they’ve ruled out bipolar disorder. Nonetheless, the key difference I’ve noticed since starting this new medication is the lack of perpetual drowsiness. A stated side-effect of this new medication is mild to moderate weight loss (which I need), and I have my appetite generally reduced, and I’m no longer dreadfully enticed to devour an entire box of saltine crackers in one go.

And there you have it. I’m well aware that I’ve alluded to my depression in many past posts, but I needed to just say it clearly. It is a monster, a treacherous demon that sneaks its way behind my eyelids, slackens my jaw and convinces me that there is no other way to be. That is the worst of it — the love of the depression, the aching desire to let myself be washed away with its black waters.

I am slowly returning, I believe, and I will attempt to return to this blog, as well. Up until the New Year I am focusing on the process of final edits for The Redemption of Erâth, in preparation for its publication sometime next year, which I’m terribly excited about (when I’m not drowned in depression). I will continue to post a Thought of the Week each Monday, and the Daily Photos will continue to autopost as well. I will be putting a pause on Tales of Despair, as the time and research involved each week is something I don’t feel I can commit to at the moment. We will see how things stand in the new year.

Most importantly, there will be nothing more of The Redemption of Erâth to be posted. The entirely of book one is already posted, and the extensive background written late last year as a preparation is at an end. This doesn’t, however, mean The Redemption of Erâth is finished. Oh, by no means. More details to come…

So in conclusion, my apologies once more for my absence, and my sincere gratitude for bearing with me all this while. The 300+ of you who have visited me 7,000 times in the past year have made this experience more than worthwhile, and the likes and comments have meant the world to me. I can’t make any promises, but I’ll try not to let you down again.

Satis 2012