A Gothic Symphony: Chapter Two – Bethany

My parents are divorced, and that’s probably all you need to know about me. They split when I was seven, and it kind of fucked me up. I never thought it was all my fault like everyone wants to believe – they both talked to me a lot about it. It was my dad’s fault, and we all know it. My feelings were a lot more complicated, and I guess I still haven’t got it all worked out.

My dad’s an alcoholic. I guess I didn’t really know what that meant when I was seven. He just drank a lot of beer, which is what I thought all dads were supposed to do. Maybe he didn’t know what it meant, either. Either way, what I do remember is that he and mom fought a lot, and she’d scream at him just as much as he did. He never beat her – he never laid a hand on either of us – but I always got scared when they fought, and I’d hide in my room and cry.

I never felt like it was my fault, but I did feel guilty. When dad took a day off work and we hung out, we had such good times that I thought days with dad were what the world was made for. Sometimes it was just a simple trip to the park; sometimes he took me into the city and we’d go to a museum. Not the boring kind, though – he knew the ones that had dinosaur bones and medieval armor and children’s boots from a hundred years ago. Sometimes, on a rainy day, we’d just stay at home all day and play Monopoly and listen to heavy metal.

And my mom…she was just there. She was there when I needed her, and there when I didn’t. Sometimes she was there even though I didn’t want her to be; I still hate cleaning my room. My mom was the one I talked to when Keila tripped me in the hallway and laughed when my stockings split right in the back.  She was the one who made a cake for me when Jess didn’t invite me to her birthday. She was the one who screamed down the phone at Rob’s parents because he called me a bitch, even though I didn’t know what it meant.

It wasn’t the last time I’d be called that.

No; I love my parents, and I’m pretty sure they love me too. The reason I felt so guilty about the divorce is that there wasn’t anything I could do. My parents had always told me I could do anything I put my mind to, and here was something I couldn’t do anything about. Nothing. […]

Read the full chapter here.

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Daily Photo: September 18, 2010

Just. Plain. Spooky.

Just. Plain. Spooky.

Walking around a northern Yorkshire town, we came across this cat in a graveyard. There’s just something unsettling about a black cat sitting on your grave. Especially with those eyes.

Camera: Nikon D90          ISO: 400          Focal Length: 105mm          Aperture: ƒ/5.6          Shutter Speed: 1/90

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Thought of the Week: Snooze

I hate inspiration in the same way I hate money: it’s constantly eluding me. That little beast, dancing just out of reach and taunting me with clues that fail to develop, is one of the most frustrating things in existence.

Of course, I can’t say I never have inspiration; after all, I managed (somehow) to write a book, half of another, and half of a third (does that make two books total?). But for the most part, it’s just not there. Just…not…there…

Or is it?

You see, I read recently a passing comment that inspiration often comes when the mind is allowed to wander, such as those moments between waking and sleeping. It’s a time when your brain starts to meander off course, taking the unbeaten track to places that make little or no sense, yet with the presence of mind still to remember it…maybe. The danger of this approach, clearly, is in actually falling asleep, because then the wanderings turn to dreams, which are inherently unmemorable.

And I can certainly attest to this. Though indistinct, I can clearly recall many, many occasions just before falling asleep (or sometimes, on those rare occasions I get to sleep in, just before waking up) when I start thinking about my writing, or my music, and suddenly something just makes so much sense that I want to jump up and scream and write it all down. Most of the time, however, I just fall asleep.

Occasionally a dream will be vivid enough to remember even after waking, if only for a little while; the seed of a novella I’d like to one day work on came from such a thing. Even the title came from the dream: The Girl Who Killed Herself in Apartment 615. Yes, it’s pretty morbid.

However, there is one source of inspiration that works more often than not, and that’s the daytime snooze. Some people refer to it as power napping, and the great thing about it is that you don’t quite fall asleep; your mind is in a constant state of drift. The realization of what happens at the end of The Redemption of Erâth: Exile (that’s book two) came from such a place. So did the knowledge of what exactly happened to Amy in her formative years in A Gothic Symphony. It’s a wonderful place to be – a world of disconnection where the oddest things suddenly make sense of themselves, and every so often blast their way to the front of your head so that you remember them.

And of course, the very best part of all of this is that – heh heh – I have an excuse to sleep during the day. Of course, the real reason is because it helps to avoid doing anything else, but the secondary benefits are rewarding. Inspiration, that elusive fiend, can’t escape my snoozes.

Ironically, the inspiration for this post came from thinking about how little inspiration I see to have. So that works, too.

Featured image from http://documentaryden.com/the-light-bulb-conspiracy/.

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