Thought of the Week: Not Writing

pen-and-paper

I had quite a hard time thinking about what to write this week, so I thought I’d write about not writing instead.

I have now not written for The Redemption of Erâth for two weeks, which is not something I feel happy about. I have not written a movie night post in the same period of time, though we watched Hogfather recently and very, very much enjoyed it. I very nearly did not write this post tonight.

The truth is, I’ve been in a bit of a bad place for the past few weeks. Some nights I didn’t want to go to bed, because I didn’t want to wake up the next morning. I’ve eaten far too many bowls of Cheerios, too, and even forgot to brush my teeth one night. I had two glasses of wine and a finger of rum a few days ago, and wow – my sleep pattern was all kinds of messed up.

Completely psychotic sleep.

Completely psychotic sleep.

In fact, sleep has been one of the things getting me down. I’m not going to debate cause and effect, but ever since I got my UP band and was able to track my sleep patterns, I’ve felt worse – more tired, less energy – than ever before. Some nights I’ve had as few as 5 hours of sleep, despite being in bed for almost 7 hours. The weird thing is that I usually fall asleep quickly, but wake up often through the night. Sometimes I actually think the band is just picking up my violent thrashing and bashing and thinking I’m awake, but I suppose the result is the same either way; if I’m active enough to seem awake, I might as well be awake for all the rest I’m getting.

It ends up being very hard to write when you question doing anything at all.

Like gods of the sunI’m playing through every My Dying Bride album in the car – one album each day – in an effort to match my mood (damn, their music is good bad mood music). I actually did pretty well tonight; Like Gods of the Sun kept me going until I got home, and I didn’t really fall asleep at the wheel either. I’ve been experimenting with music and sleep, as well; I usually listen to music through earphones in bed as I doze off, since for as long as I can remember it was always a way to soothe myself to sleep. It turns out, thanks to my UP band, that listening to music actually delays my sleep, especially since I eventually wake up to pause the music and take the earphones out. That sucks, because I really, really miss listening to music as I go to sleep.

It ends up being very hard to write when you get to the point of questioning the value of doing anything at all. By the time 10:00 PM rolls around all I want to do is crawl into bed, which of course gives me no writing time at all. I miss Brandyé, and thought I want to know where he’s going next, I just can’t bring myself to go back to him. I worry about this, because I know that the longer I leave the story alone, the harder it will be to get back to it.

The funny thing is that cutting back on writing to focus on sleep hasn’t made me feel better; all it’s really highlighted to me is that I really suck at getting enough sleep. I’m still waiting for the ‘official’ results from my polysomnography, but until then it’s sweet dreams with a rubber ring on my wrist.

At least I got this out – that’s a start! Thanks for bearing with me, guys; I’ll be back in full soon. Trust me?

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15 thoughts on “Thought of the Week: Not Writing

  1. Just getting to the keyboard and typing is a good sign, and maybe something your subconscious needs in order to feel “sleep-justified.” Then again, I could be full of crap. Either way, you have a cheering section. We’ll try to keep it down, though.

    • Well thank you, Ned! I suppose I feel like typing up blog posts is somehow less consuming than writing a book (although it still takes up a significant amount of time). We’ll see how things go. As it happens I still have editing work to do on the first book, so I don’t feel entirely like I’ve abandoned it all.

      • Writing is writing. None of it is wasted. Sort of like exercise: It doesn’t matter how much you’re lifting or how you’re doing it, the result is the same: Good conditioning 🙂

    • Sigh. I wish it weren’t so. Some days I feel like there’s a permanent fog over my vision and thoughts, something that just dulls the whole world. I have yet to find out if the problem is the amount of sleep, or the quality of it.

      • Sounds like me when I have periods of depression (not saying that is what is affecting you). I hang on to the knowledge that, with time (and St John’s Wort or sunshine or sleep) it passes. Sometimes the insomnia becomes a self-perpetuating problem: it fuels the depression and that fuels the insomnia. I hope you find answers.

  2. It’s 4am. I’ve got about 2-3hrs before I get tired. Since I went crazy 2yrs ago I’ve gotten used to 3-5hrs of sleep. Before then I was fine. Now I’m afraid of sleep, psychologically messed up. Sleep meds and I have a long and disturbing relationship. (I don’t have control over my meds now. Ya, I’m like a 4yr old) I’m not always afraid of melatonin though and for some crazy ass reason it works. I take it ONLY when I have to. Like when the lack of sleep catches up with me every few weeks. I can fight triple doses of any prescription sleep med but melatonin knocks me out. Crazy. That’s me. Anyway, if you haven’t tried melatonin.. it works for me. Hope you get some rest soon!!

    • I’ll make a note to add it to the cocktail of drugs I’m already on at the moment. You know, it’s funny to go back to the psychiatrist every few weeks or so and tell him that no, I don’t feel any better, yes, sometimes I feel worse…and he continues to add things! Four prescription drugs at the moment…including dangerously high doses of one that’s shown to provoke seizures.

      Thanks for stopping by, Mandi. I feel like I’ve abandoned so many of the people I met when I was getting going here on WordPress; the truth is I just don’t have it in me to spend time reading (anything at all). I really hope you’re taking care of yourself.

      • I wish I didn’t know the drug cocktail so well. I was on one that provoked seizures but the crazy sadistic psych added something to help with that. Then when I got really dangerously high blood pressure/heart rate… she’d add another. On and on till’ I reached 14 +/- meds. I ended up in the psych ward again after 3-4 days no sleep, real bad stuff happened that I don’t remember all of. It was one of the most scary experiences of my life. Shortly after I was told about another hospital 4-5hrs from here in CA. They got me off everything and I started all over. Because of the sadistic psych I’m medication resistant. I have some drug meant to control seizures that might work for mood regulation (lamictal) and my beloved klonapin for anxiety. That’s it! I’m VERY glad to be on SO few now. But sure wish there was something that would help with mood regulation. It really is a complicated mess isn’t it, the drug game.

        No worries about reading others blogs. I go through stages. It’s too overwhelming at times. Other times, like lately, it’s been a good distraction from my own life!

        Hope you’re feeling better! I just took my melatonin. 🙂

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