Tag Archives: Darkness

Thought of the Week: Depression Is…

It’s been quite some time since I’ve turned my hand to poetry, but since I’ve been writing such a voracious amount of prose lately, it felt about the right time. I make no promises for its quality, but maybe it’ll ring true with one or two of you.

 

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Depression Is…

 

Night time vision on a sunlit day

The inability to accept proof of reality

Feeling your stomach churn at the sight of happiness

Knowing you’ll die alone

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Incapacity

Sleeping all day when there are things to do

Writing furiously and loathing the outcome

Knowing your life is worthless

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Scars on an arm that you hide from everyone

Wanting to drown in black memory

The past being ever better than the present

Knowing there is nothing yet to come

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Going to work every day, not knowing why

Coming home to mess, and anger, and disappointment

Wanting to forget everything and everyone

Knowing there is no escape…no hope

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Featured image from: http://www.midnight-artwork.com/?attachment_id=237.

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Thought of the Week: It’s Done

Yesterday, April 27, at about 11:01 PM, I wrote the following words:

 

And then, as his mind began to collapse inward upon itself, he thought he could see something far, far in the distance. A tall, black figure approached, and as Brandyé gave in to madness and death, it spoke.

 

Ironically, they don’t seem all that special to me anymore, although perhaps that’s the exhaustion speaking: these words are the last of the book The Redemption of Erâth: Exile.

What do you think for closing words?

This book was a grueling process, having started in January 2013 and surviving a devastating depression during the winter, but it’s now finally, finally done. Or at least, the first draft is (argh!). Whereas The Redemption of Erâth: Consolation was written in a period of about six months, Exile has taken almost a year and a half. Part of this is that it’s longer; with 6,000-word chapters I just couldn’t keep to the commitment of writing a chapter a week as I had done with the first book. The grand total?

  • 25 chapters
  • 476 pages
  • 143,900 words
  • 3 fictional languages
  • several dozen named characters
  • 1 nearly-broken mind

I had a goal of 5,000 words per chapter, and the vast majority eclipse that greatly, with the longest clocking in at 6,863 words. I didn’t intend for it to grow so much – it kind of just happened. It might pose a publishing difficulty; currently my publisher wants The Redemption of Erâth: Consolation to be under 100,000 words; I don’t see how I could possibly cut ⅓ of the entire manuscript for Exile.

In any case, the book is finished for now, and I’m going to be taking a bit of a rest from writing, I think. I will be posting the final chapter momentarily, and if you’d like a brief synopsis, see below.

Thank you all, for your support!

 

Satis 2014

 

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The Redemption of Erâth: Exile

Brandyé finds himself wandering the desolate lands by the black sea, cast out from his home land of Consolation and forbidden to ever return. Haunted by the ghosts of the past, he is at first delighted to discover that there are folk who live out in the wilderness beyond Consolation – until he becomes their slave. For several years he labors under the harsh lordship of the Cosari, finally finding a home with a kinder master.

Before long, the warlike Cosari take Brandyé on a raid of the shore land, where a terrible storm and dreadful events cast him alone upon the shore. Seizing the opportunity, he sets out into the unknown forests – only to find unexpected company, and long-lost friends. Overjoyed to be reunited with his childhood friend, Elven, the two friends set out on a journey through the woods of the Trestaé Mountains, to uncertain destinations.

Along the way they encounter danger and disaster, and are rescued from a fate worse than death by one of the most mysterious forces Brandyé has ever encountered: the Illuèn. A race of Light, they hold a special power over Darkness, a force of Erâth that has been plaguing Brandyé since his childhood. Together with the guidance of one of the ancient race, Elỳn, the two friends set out to discover the kingdom of Erârün: one of the last true kingdoms in the world of Erâth.

They soon find themselves in the ancient and vast city if Vira Weitor, where Brandyé enlists in the army at Elỳn’s behest. This duty takes him to the far northern outskirts of the kingdom, where the Grim Watch patrol their borders and keep the forces of Darkness at bay. During a vicious and unprecedented attack, Brandyé flees with the local villagers, finding his way into the mountains of the Reinkrag, and from their to the mountain-dwelling Hochträe – the last men of light in Erâth. He learns of enlightenment and the denouncement of Darkness, but can he find it in his soul to let go of his past? Unable to rest, he sets forth once more, into the cold and eternal snows of the Reinkrag…

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Thought of the Week: Little Guilt and Regret

Feelings are becoming alien to me, dear readers.

I feel (pardon the irony) like I have been without emotion for many, many months now. This isn’t to say I’m flat or numb, because I’m not. But can you imagine laughing and not feeling happy? Crying, and not feeling sad? Shouting, and not feeling angry?

I’ve been suffering through an extended depression since November last year, when my motivation and reason for living vanished without a trace. All progress on The Redemption of Erâth ceased; I stopped doing the dishes, I stopped washing clothes, or even myself…every day became a struggle to find a reason to get out of bed, and if I did I would spend the remainder of the day finding ways to get back into it.

 

…there are no connections, nothing to root me and say, “This has meaning.”

 

I’m not out of this depression yet – the bed still calls beckoningly – but my motivation is back (somewhat). I rose from the depths of nothing to a point where I could at least force myself to take the next step and tell my publisher to look into re-editing the manuscript for Consolation; this led to further work on Exile, on which I managed to progress five chapters in the past week and half – an unprecedented level of productivity for me. That’s 30,000 words in 10 days.

With Little Satis’ broken leg, I’ve also been forced back into household chores that I had all but abandoned, and I’m finding it…if not enjoyable, then at least tolerable. I have to do the dishes in spurts to get them done, and I still fail to do the laundry on a regular basis; my office is a disaster of strewn clothes (clean and dirty), tea mugs and coffee cups, dust, crumbs and a suitcase, half unpacked from six months ago. The chore of cleaning is beyond me.

The pile grows ever taller…

The pile grows ever taller…

But there is one thing that remains constant throughout all of this, whether its when loading the dishwasher, lying in bed thinking about not cleaning or writing emotional scenes in The Redemption of Erâth: I feel nothing. It’s as though I’m simply moving through existence, seeing and observing (or sometimes failing to observe) the things around me, but there are no connections, nothing to root me and say, “This has meaning.”

The funny thing is, it isn’t an entirely unpleasant way to live. When you can’t feel, there’s virtually no stress, no worry; none of the bad things in life have any real meaning. They just are. If that comes at the price of the good things in life, then…so be it.

Of course, occasionally the odd sensation will flare up momentarily. For example, the guilt that stopped me from choosing a loaf of bread when I knew Mrs. Satis was paying for the shopping (she can’t eat wheat). This little, odd fleeting feeling that buying that bread would be a ‘bad’ thing to do.

For the most part, though, there is precious little guilt and regret. Little stress, little worry, little sadness.

And little happiness, too.

What would you trade?

 

Featured image adapted from http://www.drdavewhite.com/2013/10/30/godly-sorrow-vs-worldly-guilt/.

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