Tag Archives: Darkness

Returning to Erâth

On Sunday, I tried moving a large bookcase, and ended up severely hurting my back. I’ve been to the chiropractor three times since, but in the meantime, I find myself unable to sit, stand, or move, and have been more or less laid up in bed for the past four days. At first, I spent most of the time sleeping, trying to ignore the pain in my lower spine, but as the days wore on I found myself getting progressively bored, and in need of something to distract myself from the agony I’m currently in.

Back in March I published the second of my contemporary YA novels, The Broken, and found myself wanting to turn back to the stuff that started it all: fantasy, and The Redemption of Erâth. Although I have three books completed in the series, there are still four to go, and it’s taken me ten years to get this far, so if I don’t hurry up and keep writing, it might never get finished.

I’ve been working on and off on the fourth book for a while, actually – I’m about eight chapters in at the moment – but progress has overall been fairly slow. I have the basic outline and plot laid out, and really at this point it’s just a question of getting words down on paper (I really could have used NaNoWriMo as an excuse to get this done, but really I find excuses to not get things done if we’re being totally honest). But since I have the rest of this week on my back, and next week off from work (a short vacation that didn’t pan out, so I’ll be staying home), I feel like I have an opportunity to actually get some of this writing done.

Alongside writing the continuation of The Redemption of Erâth, I’ve started to give some thought to who I want to be as an author. As Satis, I write Lord of the Rings-inspired high fantasy, and have done for the past 10 years. In that time, I’ve really garnered no true readership, a smattering of reviews, and I can count on one hand the people who’ve told me they actually really like the story. (This isn’t to say I don’t believe in the story, but really has more to do with my inability to market it well.) On the other hand, I’ve done reasonably well with my contemporary YA, written under my real name – particular my first novel, 22 Scars.

This has led me to wonder what the best way to gain readership for The Redemption of Erâth is. I’m not having much success selling the books, or even with giveaways, and given the serial nature of the story (it’s really one huge story that takes place over the course of seven novels), I’ve started to think that I might want to return to the original idea behind the story: posting bits of it each day or week online for people to read for free. After all, I’m not in this for the money, and really would simply like to know people are out there, reading my work.

To that end, I’ve decided I will publish the entirety of The Redemption of Erâth online, for free, through Wattpad, Inkitt, and here on WordPress. I will start by uploading the first five chapters of Book One, Consolation, later today, and the remaining chapters will be uploaded on a semi-regular basis (every few days, I think at the moment). Once we get caught up to where Book Four is so far, I’ll start posting completed draft chapters as they come.

I’m excited to see if people are interested in this story again, as they were back in 2012 when I first started writing and publishing drafts of the first volume! I’ve learned a lot about writing since then, and I hope that my skill as an author has improved, but most of all I just want people to be able to read my writing as easily and accessibly as possible. The books will remain on Apple Books and Amazon to purchase, both digitally and in print, but for those of you wanting a free fantasy story, it will be here for you as well.

Once the first chapters hit, feel free to let me know what you think – I always value criticism and feedback!

I’ve Lost All Sense of Curiosity

As my depression worsens daily into something just short of crippling, I find myself falling back hard into old patterns, habits and comforts, in a vain effort to stop myself from collapsing into bed and simply not getting up again. I rewatch old episodes of South Park and Futurama endlessly, fail to create anything meaningful – either in writing or in music – and more or less just barely scrape through each day without ever discovering or experiencing anything new.

The hard part about this is that, when I really think about it, I don’t want to experience anything new. It all just … bores me. It isn’t interesting, doesn’t feel worth it, and I find little to no joy in anything I’m not already intimately familiar with. At first I thought perhaps this was just the depression talking, but when I think longer about it, I realize that I’ve been this way for years.

There was a time when I looked forward to new things – really looked forward to them. New albums from my favorite artists, new books from my favorite authors, new movies and TV shows to watch and experience. I remember being really excited to see new episodes of Dexter back when it was first airing, and buying up Stephen King books the day they were released.

Then, I slowly started waiting to experience new things. I waited to listen to the new Nightwish album for a good long time, although I finally got around to it. I delayed and delayed watching Game of Thrones until social media all but ruined it (well, the show writers kind of did it first).

And eventually, I just sort of … stopped experiencing anything new altogether. I haven’t listened to Iron Maiden’s new album, despite it getting great reviews. I haven’t watched Black Widow or any new movie in ages. I haven’t read a book in years. And the worst part is, I really just don’t want to.

When I try, I fail. I watched one episode of Game of Thrones, and just wasn’t invested. I watched the first episode of Amazon’s new show Invincible, and it was really good – but I just don’t care to watch more. I’ve tried and failed to read a dozen or more books.

And when I really break it down, I feel like it comes down to a total lack of curiosity. I just don’t care about things. I don’t care about the world, or the things in it, or the things that are meant to entertain me and take my mind off the things that would otherwise consume me.

I just exist, basically.

I exist, and I’m completely uncurious about anything and everything in the world around me. Nothing piques my interest; nothing seems worth doing or experiencing. And despite the fact that I can barely make it through each day at the moment, I think this has been building for years, or even decades, to the point where now my whole life seems like a meaningless husk, something devoid of any joy or interest.

This scares me, really, because for a long time the only thing that really kept me going, kept me motivated – even in the darkest of times when all I could think about was some kind of escape, I always stayed the course for the idea that, if I died today, I might miss experiencing something truly wonderful that was yet to come. But if there’s nothing that excites me at all anymore – if I just don’t care about anything new, no matter who or what creates it – then what is going to keep me alive? What’s even the point?

My depression is rapidly worsening, and the one thing that usually keeps me afloat is gone. What will happen if the day comes – and I fear it will – when I can’t get out of bed? What will happen when I can’t bear to breathe another breath? What will happen when death becomes more appealing than life?

I once read somewhere that people who ideate about suicide don’t necessarily want to die; they just want their life as it is to be over. The concept encourages positivity, and the belief in change. But what if you don’t believe in that change at all? What if the idea of something new, something different, is as equally abhorrent as what you’re stuck with at the moment? What if death seems appropriate, not because you don’t want to live, but because there’s nothing left to live for?

I realize I’m navigating down a dark path here, and this feeling of dismal, bleak numbness may too pass, but at the moment all I really want to do is curl up and go to sleep. Preferably for a very, very long time.

So Much To Do, Not Enough Time to Be Too Depressed to Do It

Sometimes, I think I do too much.

My wife would argue this isn’t the case, and she’s probably right, for the most part – in general, in life, I really don’t do much at all. I’m actually pretty freaking lazy most of the time, which is why it feels like there’s always so much to do – I never really get around to any of it.

No … what I really mean is that, in my creative endeavors, I overstretch myself frequently. The common trope of the writer is that they’re always writing – anything except their story. Sad, but true. I always have at least two trains of creative thought going at any given time: writing and music. Within that, my writing is split between fantasy (The Redemption of Erâth), which I haven’t touched in a long time, and young adult novels, one of which I most recently completed earlier this year. Music-wise, there’s always so much going on, including three nu-metal albums to accompany said young adult book, as well as grandiose orchestral suites and metal operas. I want to write a goth rock album, and who knows what else as my musical tastes change and evolve.

The problem is time. As in, there just isn’t enough of it. I started work on The Redemption of Erâth almost ten years ago, with the idea to write a seven-book series; so far only three have seen the light of day. I took time off to write two young adult novels, both of which were extremely challenging in their own right (mentally and emotionally draining), and for the past few months I’ve been working on a metal/orchestral suite of songs that I just completed on Friday. Still, I don’t think ten years ago I thought I’d still be trying to write my fantasy series.

To top it off, I’m not getting any younger. I’m not really old enough to be terribly concerned about my mortality (nor am I famous enough that I worry about leaving unfinished works behind to torment my adoring fans), but it does cross my mind that in almost forty years I’ve failed to make a career out of anything creative, and if I died tomorrow, I really wouldn’t have much of a legacy to leave behind.

The worst part is that, when I do have time to create, I’m often too depressed to be able to focus on it. This affliction that’s lasted my entire adulthood is truly a blessing and a curse – it gives me the inspiration to create dark and gloomy worlds, and at the same time prevents me from actually getting any of it down on paper. I want to write; I want to create music; and I don’t want what I’ve finished so far to be all that I ever make. I just find it so impossibly difficult to actually get any of it done.

If I think back on everything I’ve ever started, I’ve actually done pretty well; three fantasy novels, two young adult stories, three nu-metal albums and two metal symphonies are all under my belt, and I definitely didn’t think I’d have been able to finish any of them when I first started (in fact, my first young adult novel, 22 Scars, dates back to 2005 in its earliest iterations). But there’s still so much more to do.

With that being said, I think that now my second YA book is published, my metal symphony is complete, and I’m not overly concerned about writing more nu-metal, it’s time to return to Erâth. I started working on the fourth book in the series almost two years ago, and so far only have six chapters written. I need to clear my schedule, knuckle down, and get the rest of The Redemption of Erâth finished. And not just the fourth book; the fifth, and the sixth, and the seventh one, too. From here on out, this is what I’m going to try to complete.

After that … well, we’ll see. I don’t have any other raging ideas just at the moment, but I’m sure they’ll come along eventually; they always do.

For now – onward and back into the world of Erâth!