Hello, my dear friends and readers. It’s been a very long time, and I’m sorry for that. I miss you all. I haven’t reached out to you since the beginning of December, and that was to say that my world was growing darker, and that I’d be taking a break.
Well, that break turned out to last three months, and I need to make it clear: I’m not back. Not yet.
It’s been three months since I last wrote here on WordPress, but more to the point it’s been three months since I was last capable of writing at all. Throughout December and into January, my mind collapsed. That’s the best word I can think of to describe it; it feels like nearly all of my mental faculty is crushed and flattened, obliterated and destroyed beyond recognition. Since my depression began in my late teens, I have never experienced anything quite like this.
It began slowly, but daily the task of getting up and going about my day became increasingly overwhelming until I found myself spending every available moment in bed. I still do. I became unable to clean, unable to eat, unable to take care of myself on the most basic of levels. I stopped showering. I stopped brushing my teeth. I wore the same clothes for a week at a time.
Now I’ve become incapacitated before when faced with something that felt unsurmountable, but in the past it always turned into an internal battle – the overwhelming desire to cower in a corner and block out everything around me, pitted against the guilt of my incapacity and the desire to please the people around me. But this time, the battle never happened. I had simply given up. My brain decided it couldn’t cope with the struggle any longer, and began to accept the world around me as unchangeable fact, rather than a catalyst for action. Dirty dishes? Yep, I agree, they’re there. It won’t be me cleaning them, though. Floor needs sweeping? Sure does; I’ll see you in bed.
If this sounds selfish, it’s because it is. However, it’s been the only way for me to survive the last three months. I spoke with my therapist, quite seriously, about hospitalization. I didn’t see how I could continue to survive. Somehow, against all odds, I’ve managed to drag myself to work every day, and the Lovely J was blown away. Most people, she said, would have called in sick. Who knows what perverted dedication I have to my job; I certainly felt like calling in sick, but for some reason never did. For that reason alone, she said, most hospitals would refuse to take me.
So instead I’ve tried to build a new life at home, based around this newfound incapacity. Little Satis does the dishes now. He and Mrs. Satis do their laundry separately, and I’m left to do my own. Every two weeks it goes in the washer, then in the dryer. I only take it out of the dryer when I need it. I eat separately; usually a bowl of cereal or a loaf of bread – whatever makes the least mess. I sleep in the guest bed, so that I can lie in bed out of sight and so have less of an effect on the family.
Mrs. Satis has been incredibly accommodating, and I want to thank her with all my love. I know this can’t be easy for her. She tells me she loves me a dozen times a day, and every word makes a difference to my world. I’m not back yet, but with my family’s support I’ve managed to sit down and write this post. It’s been three months in coming.
I’m not back. I’m not resuming Thought of the Week. Not yet. But if I can write this, then maybe there is still hope.
Lastly, thank you to every one of my readers – knowing that so many people have read my words is uplifting, and goes a long way toward getting me back on track.
We’ll see where things go from here.
Featured image taken from http://barbarashdwallpapers.com/dark-blue-winter-landscape-with-forest/.