Thought of the Week: Open Letter to the House that Already Has Their Christmas Lights Up

Dear Person/Family who lives there,

I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve already put up your Christmas decorations as I drove home from work today. I laud your desire to get into the festive spirit early in the season; after all, the warm, fuzziness of Christmas is something that most people long for all year round. I commend your decorations, which seem so professionally done that I imagine you left them up from last year, just in case. As the evenings grow ever darker, your home is a dazzling visual feast on my way home from work.

However: it’s not f***ing Christmas! Perhaps you didn’t notice that none of your neighbors have followed your trailblazing example and set up their own seasonal decorations. Not one single person has wished me (or probably you) happy holidays. If you’ve offered such a gesture to others, I imagine you received something of a blank stare in return.

It isn’t the season to be jolly, not by a long shot. The season to visit the dentist, yes, after all the Halloween candy we’ve all just gorged ourselves on. The season to stock up the larders and raise the average national weight a good few pounds as Thanksgiving approaches. The season to start penny-pinching so that we can prepare to buy all those frivolous and meaningless gifts for people we’ve barely met and don’t really care about. But it is not the season to sing O Come Ye Faithful or Dreidel Dreidel Dreidel or Jingle f***ing Bells.

I think you had your lights up shortly before Halloween. That’s in October, in case you forgot. Christmas is in December. Thats two – count them – two months too soon. At least wait until Black Friday, when the Christmas season truly gets started at 3:00 AM at the local mall in a trampling rush of frenzied shoppers, and usually ends with someone getting shot. That’s the kind of Christmas season that deserves a small city’s worth of lights on your roof.

I doubt that you’ll do anything about it, and I doubt that I will either, but just in case you see this: can you at least turn them off once in a while?

Yours truly,


P.S. You’re still not as bad as the folk with the creepy backlit life-size Santa in their front yard.

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