What an absolutely incredible place!
This is one of my father’s photos of the incredible Dunottar Castle in northern Scotland. I’m blown away at how they could have constructed it in such a location.
I’m sitting here right now, doing my best to cope with my head’s decision to have a total breakdown. I assure you, it’s not a pleasant experience. I apologize if this is disjointed or nonsensical.
Downstairs, my wife is making General Tzo’s Chicken. She’s doing her best to cope with me. I assure you, it’s not a pleasant experience. It took me three hours to manage to cut up the broccoli.
I don’t know if I’d call it a panic attack; I certainly feel somewhat panicky. Overwhelmed; all the little things are too much. I don’t mean little things like cleaning the house. I mean little things like Lego figure heads, the scrap of paper on the floor, the itch in my left tear duct, the vaguely numb sensation of too much acetaminophen. The leaves on the trees that don’t line up, the hole in my underwear, the fact that the window I’m typing in on my computer isn’t perfectly centered in the screen. These are the little things that are all too much.
I end up on my hands and knees, rocking back and forward incessantly like a crazy person.
Wait…am I a crazy person?
It’s a rare lucid moment that’s allowing me to write this. Maybe it’s therapeutic. I missed my therapy appointment on Friday – I forgot about it. I haven’t called The Lovely J (to borrow a phrase) to apologize or reschedule. I don’t know if I can. I feel worse every second that goes by, and it’s stopping me from actually doing anything about it.
I don’t want to clean the kitchen tonight.
I don’t want to have Movie Night with Little Satis tonight, but don’t tell him – he’d be devastated. I think I’m going to have to force through it.
I think I must be crazy.
There’s too much recycling.
I have a friend who used to have panic attacks. She said it felt like she couldn’t breathe. I don’t feel like that. I feel like I can’t exist. I feel like I’m exploding, from the gut out. I had a crazy notion chopping the broccoli to ram the knife right into my stomach. There was a crazy flash of relief at the thought, but I didn’t do it, obviously.
I was playing Plants vs. Zombies…it was helping to still the storm, until I got to a level I can’t beat. Now that’s worse. Why doesn’t anyone make games that are just simply easy, all the way through? Wish Heroin Hero was a real game.
Maybe an episode of South Park will clear the crazies.
I feel an incessant, burning desire to work on something related to the The Redemption of Erâth, but there’s no way I’m in a state of mind to do anything about it. I tried another cover design, but I deleted it before I was halfway done. It sucked.
I’m so desperate for a cover design and I have no idea where to go for it.
I’m listening to Kamelot on Pandora. It’s fast, and kind of matches the spinning in my head.
This has helped. I apologize for the rambling, and I’ll be back next week with something more sensible.
Thank you.
I’m sorry.
Thank you.
~
Featured image from http://www.chesapeakehealthylifestyles.com/?p=1316.
As some of you are aware, I was recently away for a couple of weeks visiting family across the country. During that time I decided to have a complete social media blackout: no Facebook, no Twitter, no WordPress (sorry!) – nothing. It’s a surprisingly liberating experience, and I’ll talk about it a little bit more when I share my travels with you all later this week.
What I really wanted to say is that upon returning, I realized that I’m fast-approaching 2,000 followers here on WordPress.
Read that again.
That’s a lot of people. That’s like, a village. Or more. Or something. I used to live in an entire, self-sufficient community in Switzerland with less than 2,000 people. It’s more people than coffees I drink in a year. And I drink a lot of coffee.
What’s astonishing is to think that I only started blogging in October 2011. That’s 1,000 people a year. That’s 80 people a month. That’s, on average, 2 new followers a day, every day, for two years.
The actual truth is a lot more astonishing when I consider that I hit 1,000 followers back in May of this year. That means I’ve gained a further 1,000 people who actually think I have something interesting to say in 110 days. That’s 9 people a day. Every two hours, someone else chooses to follow me.
And that’s really what’s amazing to me: that – I still don’t know why – you’ve all made the conscious decision to hit “Follow” in your WordPress browsers and inundate your inboxes with my inanity. I’m honestly overwhelmed.
I feel like I need to celebrate, somehow; to show a token of my gratitude for the support that has made the last two years of my life – the two years in which I’ve struggled to bring a 104,000-word novel to life – possible. And I can think of no better way than this:
My 2,000th follower will find their way into the book.
That’s right – whoever you are, with your permission, your name will end up as a character in The Redemption of Erâth: Exile. I have a major character coming up that hasn’t yet been introduced, and he’s dying for a name!
So please, keep reading, keep liking, keep telling your friends about me; it’s been an incredible journey so far, and I can’t wait to see what comes next!
~
Satis 2013
Satis Writes 