Thought of the Week: On the Cycle Goes

Tonight’s post was very difficult to write. I can say that with authority, having penned only a line of it, because life itself is becoming increasingly difficult.

Again.

It’s so frustrating, so wearisome, to be locked into a cycle that never, ever changes. Good days come, and then they go, and I’m left clueless as to how to carry on. I haven’t showered in three days; I feel dirty, useless and exhausted—an exhaustion that no amount of sleep can relieve.

The world is tainted once more.

I haven’t taken any medication in several weeks now, and I can’t tell if it ever made a difference. I know I didn’t go cold turkey this time, and that might be a contributing factor; for quite some time I’ve felt pretty upbeat (see my post from earlier this month). But now … the best word I have to describe my state of being is fragile. I just can’t tell if I’m about to take a fatal plunge into despair once more.

I’m so tired of struggling. I’m tired of paying to be healthy. I’m tired of having to remember things. I’m tired of coming home every day from work so exhausted I can’t type a single line of The Redemption of Erâth. I’m tired of pretending.

I’m losing. I can feel it, feel the energy whispering away like air from collapsing lungs. The release of History of Erâth, NaNoWriMo, editing Exile … it’s rapidly becoming meaningless—vapid, pointless exercises in futility. Nobody wants to read what I’ve written. Nobody cares.

Why am I here? What’s compelling me to write tonight at all? Do I owe you words? A laughable attempt at a weekly post, when I didn’t post last week, and I probably won’t post next week. This blog is a joke, and so am I.

On the cycle goes. I’ll drown, and I’ll resurface later. I’ll drown again. Always the same, always the pain of knowing that nothing lasts. I might go silent for the rest of the year. I might manage my 50,000 words in November.

I might never write again.

The world is tainted once more. Meaning drops from life like rotten fruit from dying trees. Why wake up? Why go to work? Why write, or cook dinner?

Empty, useless words. Perhaps I can smother myself in the minutiae of tiny details, stop myself from thinking, from asking why. You can’t ask why, you just can’t.

Because there isn’t an answer. There are only fools.

Thought of the Week: Deadlines

Click here to subscribe to the newsletter!

I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

—Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt

There’s an interesting, and sometimes forgotten, aspect to self-publishing, and it’s this: nobody but you puts a deadline on your work. I started writing The Redemption of Erâth in November of 2011 as part of NaNoWriMo. I started the first novel, Consolation, in January of 2012. Yet despite finishing the first draft within four months, the book didn’t see publication for over two years.

Why such a delay? And more importantly, was it necessary? The answer is complicated, but largely has to do with my own laziness and lack of impetus. Yes, the first draft was finished in April of 2012. But I didn’t look at it again for almost six months. Then I slowly—slowly—began the editing process, without really knowing anything about what I was doing. By the summer of 2013 I had decided to publish through iUniverse (ultimately, I believe, a mistake), but then spent even more time revisiting the work based on their feedback. I had the story professionally edited later that year. Then I sat on it again for a further six months, before finally pulling the trigger on getting the damn thing into circulation. Publication date? July, 2014.

I have, for the first time ever, imposed a deadline on myself.

Some of the delay was needed to rework the story, and yes, it was necessary. The story is better for it. But a huge part of it was essentially me just letting things slide, not replying to emails, and twiddling my thumbs. Had I had a publication deadline, the book would likely have been released almost a year earlier.

The same thing has started to happen with the second book, Exile. I started writing the draft of that in April of 2013; here it is September two years later, and the book is—again—not published. But this time, there’s a difference. I know when I’m releasing it.

This is important: I have, for the first time ever, imposed a deadline on myself. Prior to last month, I would have said, “it’ll be done when it’s done.” But this isn’t a helpful frame of mind to be in. After all, although it’s quite a relief to not have someone constantly asking if it’s done yet, it ends up being just as stressful wondering if your book will ever see the light of day.

Of course, having a deadline means I can’t sit back and relax. Oh, no. If I truly want to have Exile released in time for Christmas, I’m going to have to put in a ton of hard work over the next few months. In addition, I’ve tasked myself with releasing the History of Erâth in October, and writing a second companion book, Legends and Myths of Erâth, in November. That means that, truthfully, I’ll only have the month of October to revisit Exile and make sure it’s as good as it possibly can be.

The good news is that, for the moment, my mental illnesses seem to have receded slightly; I have the motivation, and the energy, to work at it. I can’t say if that will last, and these deadlines may indeed whoosh past. For now, though, I’d better get back to editing the History of Erâth; it’s due out in a month.

Featured image from http://riverboardingworldchampionship.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/.

Screen Shot 2015-01-07 at 6.46.37 PM

Thought of the Week: WordPress, Stats and Readers

One of the things I like the most about WordPress is the fairly in-depth statistics it gives you about your posts, your successes, and your readership. As a writer and an author, one of the most important things for me to know is whether anyone out there is actually reading what I’m writing. For the most part, of course, I’d like to know how people have read my book, but it’s nice to know when people are following you on your blog, or on Facebook, or on Twitter.

So far, WordPress has been my most successful writing medium, with now over 3,500 individual followers here alone. A large part of this success has come about from being featured on Freshly Pressed not once but twice, although I’d like to think a little bit of hard work went into the mix, too. It’s nice to think that over 3,000 people (potentially) see my writing each week.

Facebook is second to this, with now over 1,000 Likes for my Facebook page. I’ll admit to a curiously amusing coincidence, here, though: I once ran a Facebook ad targeted in India. Well, it happens that Satish is a very common first name in Hindi, and I think I got a lot of likes from people who possibly didn’t know exactly what I was all about. Fair enough—Likes are Likes, and I appreciate every one of them!

Twitter I haven’t quite got the hang of, apparently; I have about twenty followers.

More recently, WordPress has added a feature that tells you when your most successful posting time is. It turns out for me I get the majority of my reads on Wednesday evening—hence the time of this post! I’ll be curious to see if the response to today’s post is significantly greater than usual (I used to post on a Monday evening).

Stats for my book sales are important to me, too—even though I’m doing absolutely terribly at it so far. It’s funny to think that a single sale on Amazon can boost my ranking by over 1.4 million points—from 1.6 millionth best-selling book to the heights of 200 thousandth best-selling book. Whew! I wonder where two sales would get me?

Anyway … I don’t think I have much of a point to this post today, other than to say: buy The Redemption of Erâth: Consolation, and give an author a reason to look at his stats!

Screen Shot 2015-01-07 at 6.46.37 PM